The Start
When I first started this self-help journey there weren’t honest intentions to do this for me. It was a way to “fix myself” after a devastating breakup that left me feeling unworthy and broken. I was looking at my life as an equation:
Me + Respectable career + beautiful house + nice car + responsibly saving = someone of value.
If anything didn’t add up, I was the one variable that needed a different input for my life to make sense and equal something of value. I started this journey, not for me, but for the sense of redemption. I started rapidly changing everything around me so I could achieve this “night and day” difference. If I wasn’t enough before, I’ll change everything till I’m enough. I was skinny before, so I’ll go to the gym, gain muscles, and then become enough. I used to drink and smoke cigarettes; so, let’s change that too. I used to neglect my appearance, so guess who got new clothes and expensive haircuts? Hell, I even got braces because, LOOK HOW CHANGED I AM! I changed everything externally waiting for my ex to come back and say I was now enough. The call never came, and that’s OK…I’ll tell you why.
As a little background, I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago…the rural suburbs to be clear. The absolute fringe of the urban sprawl, where the nearest Best Buy was almost a stone’s throw away from corn fields. A place where my neighbors were literally cows. It was a great place to grow up. I had the normal small town daily life or indulged in the excitement of a major metropolitan city less than an hour away. Lots of friendly, hardworking, individuals just trying to live their life while enjoying the couple weeks of nice weather each year. A place where everyone does what they can to find a sliver of joy while surviving the brutal freeze of winter or dying in the extreme humidity of the summer. Doesn’t that sound magical?! Yeah, it’s a mystery why I don’t still live there...
In all seriousness, I do think growing up in Illinois set me up to be a decent human. Good schools, polite people holding the door open for others, people letting cars go in front of them at intersections, and strangers asking, “how’s it going?” when crossing paths. All these social cues taught me how to be a kind, engaging person, but it also ingrained a sense of catering to those around me. I suppose subconsciously I saw these social cues as a way to put others before me. A way that made being polite and courteous a more important aspect than expressing my own needs or setting healthy boundaries. Now, I still think respect and being courteous are crucial aspects in everyday encounters, but I’d take it too far and do things like leaving that last piece of dinner sit out, waiting for someone else to take it even though I’m hungry, or having a black coffee because adding anything to it would be too much to ask of the person making it for me. When people would ask if I wanted that last piece of food, or anything in my coffee I would LIE to their face and brush off the ask politely so I wouldn’t seem to be needy. These things were almost seen as “Social Laws” I abided like my life depended on it. Maybe that’s just me, or maybe it’s the Midwest upbringing, but dang, I neglected myself for a long time.
Fast forward to adulthood. Years of following what I thought my family, friends, and society wanted out of me led me to harbor a lot of misunderstood resentment since I wasn’t getting what I needed out of life. The sad realization was that several years prior I had given up on finding a life of fulfillment for one that favored safety, security, and normalcy. This slowly turned me into an unhappy, shell of a person, especially when I wasn’t finding the happiness I was told came with a steady job and big paycheck. I tried the best I could to put on the happy face for others, but to the people closest to me, they saw the nasty creature that developed. To get to this point, and make that monster, it took years of discarding myself before culminating during a complete home renovation. I had chosen to renovate this house all while balancing a committed relationship, working as a commercial airline pilot, and having my parents live…in their RV…in my driveway. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?!? It was way too much for me and I quickly realized I had overcommitted. The whole idea of, “It’ll be fun and worth it” was probably sold to me via HGTV, others being untruthful about their own renovation experience, or some bullshit “hustle” culture. Let me tell you, if I would have had better tools to deal with my emotions during that time, it COULD have been slightly enjoyable, but instead I dragged myself through, and was VERY UNHEALTHY. My diet sucked, I was rarely hydrated, I ferociously grinded my teeth in my sleep, drank often, couldn’t kick my smoking habit, and I was exhausted for what seemed like forever.
As I was having all this “fun” I neglected the most important part of the picture…my sanity. I was making all these moves, to create this better life while sacrificing the time I needed for myself. If I wasn’t flying, I was working on the house, after working on the house, I was spending time with my ex-girlfriend, if I wasn’t with her, I was with my family. Then came all the logistics…if I wasn’t spending time planning what I needed for the next day’s housework, progress would come to a standstill, and the already unwelcome construction zone home would be eating away at my ex-girlfriend’s nerves. I couldn’t win, I never had time for a healthy decompression. I was miserable, and a miserable person to be around. I had no clue how to fix it. Those closest to me tried to offer help, but I would say I was just “stressed” when really, I was overwhelmed, frustrated, and anxious. My problem had solutions that could have been addressed, but I was never taught to dive into what I was feeling. Instead, it was common practice to just work through tough times with the hope that one day it’ll all blow over. Let me tell you, this shit doesn’t get swept under the rug and fixed by itself. If I could have had the foresight to identify and address my needs to those around me, maybe a more constructive outcome would have been achieved. Instead, my family and ex-girlfriend just learned to avoid pestering me too much. As my frustrations grew, I inevitably became the odd man out, which is exactly the opposite of where I wanted to be…I pushed myself so far away that I was left alone. All I wanted was to be understood but I didn’t even understand myself. It's a bummer to think about, and it wasn’t fair for anyone involved.
Now let’s go back to post break-up…to me changing everything I could think of. It was lots of superficial shit…new car, working on that revenge body, finishing all those projects around the house (because man, she’ll be so jealous if she sees the house done), and buying just about anything I could think of from hiking gear to lawn equipment, to guitars. This kept up for a while until I started diving into self-help and started realizing all this external/superficial shit I was buying wasn’t going to solve my hurt or my problems. I kept on learning through self-help books, but what really made a difference was talking with my closest friends (who were mostly all girls) about the “deep” shit. We talked about life, their experiences with therapy, emotions, as well helping me see all the good within me, but also all the areas of improvement. These were some of the most eye-opening conversations I had ever had in my life, and it was at this point, I realized how much I bottled up since I had never looked inwards. To be honest, I don’t think I thought myself WORTHY of asking what was going on internally, or what I needed. I was too busy people pleasing, being a MAN, and being too emotionally immature to notice anything. Aside from not asking myself what I needed, I only did what was logical, which involved asking EVERYONE what I should do in life. I asked for everyone’s opinion about damn near everything. What job should I take? Do I buy this house? Should I travel? Should I do this? Or should I do that? I was frantically weighing people’s opinions to almost every decision I made without listening to myself. Sometimes even going against what I KNEW I wanted because it wasn’t a logical choice. Well, time kept passing and I was still alone, now diving deeper and deeper into learning about all the basic things I never knew. I was starting to learn all the things that help you be an effective communicator, a good partner, and a reasonable human being. I was talking more with my friends, opening up emotionally, being honest about what I wanted out of life.
Cut to almost two and a half years since my rock bottom, and making those first changes, I am THRIVING IN A TRAVEL TRAILER WITH MY CATS! Hahaha. It isn’t that dire of a situation. Things are going well, but I’m still figuring life out, and that’s OK. I don’t believe anyone will ever figure everything out, but being open to learning makes all the difference. I my time post break-up as my coming of age. I really feel like I have gained so much more of a grasp on life because I chose to make conscious change and take control of it. I have learned to practice things like setting boundaries, listening to my gut, as well as looking inwards to see what I need physically, mentally, and emotionally. Nowadays problems I come across seem so dauntingly overwhelming, when really, they can be small, simple, solutions. As my buddy Jeff tells me, “Big problems don’t always require big solutions”. Once I realized that a new car and ripped body (which it never got to, sadly) didn’t solve my happiness, I eventually found that things like taking a daily dose of vitamins, a good meal to nourish my body, and taking a break when I’m overwhelmed to check in with myself and see what I need…it’s those small things that tell me I’m worth it, that I am here for me, and I CHOOSE to be happy. It’s an ongoing trial and error process, filled with ups and downs, but damn, I’m glad to be where I am, instead of where I was.
Be understanding. Be Aware. Be Better.
***Disclaimer:
This post is not intended as professional advice, it is for entertainment purposes only. If you are seeking professional help, please consult with a doctor or therapist, as my writing is merely a personal perspective and is only meant to encourage conversation. If you are in crisis, please seek help. Suicide hotline: 988
