Support

After posting my website and sharing with friends and family, I’ve gotten an enormous amount of feedback, lots of it very supportive and positive. I, of course, have been very welcoming to the responses and appreciate it all very much, but something I would like to clarify is, although these stories are about ME, this is all for YOU, the reader. I write these posts to share my story in hopes that you and others learn from the pitfalls of my life experience or take these thoughts or lessons learned and reflect on how it might be similar in your own life. This whole process of sharing the big “AH-HA moments” is what I wished to have come across years ago when I was drifting through life. These efforts to share honestly about my experience is to show that many of us are going through similar situations, and there is hope in changing the outcome. The goal is to avoid waiting till you’ve lived your long life and THEN wish you would have changed things sooner, or for those struggling, to seek professional help before reaching crisis. The sooner you invest in finding how to be the best version of YOU internally, the more time you have in your life to enjoy it. This is for those of you reading and feeling deep down that you can relate. I’ve spent over two and a half years digging deep, doing the work, finding my support system…some people I pay for support, others are friends, and we share it amongst ourselves willingly. The whole point is to find YOUR support system whether it be friends, family, or therapy, and be an active role in the lives of the people you care about.

This is how I gained, lost, and built back my support system.

As you can imagine, being a pilot brings you all sorts of places. Sometimes it’s for work, sometimes it’s TO work, or other times it’s to escape from the stress of work. I started my adult life back in 2007 during my first year of college at Western Michigan University. The four-ish years that I spent in Kalamazoo were some of the fondest, most normal years of my life. I was lucky enough to meet my core group of friends in the dorms freshman year, and as we like to say, “we kept going to the same party for four years”. It was a great time, and we felt like we had our own little community. It was showing up to someone’s house unannounced and just walking in to make yourself comfortable. There was always someone around to hang out, someone you could have a porch coffee (or beer) with, and rolling 8+ deep to any bar for karaoke night was the usual. We understood each other, we talked, we joked, we were comfortable being ourselves. It was as close as one could get to any cheesy sitcom. To me, those years will always be special because we didn’t bother fitting into any societal mold. Each person was their own character, living mostly carefree with our whole lives ahead of us. As graduation got closer, a different, socially acceptable life started to become more of a reality. Each person started to plan for after college and began growing into the person the world wants us to be. We kept in touch, but drift happens.

Graduation came and I also charted my own course…following any job I could. I spent YEARS chasing work from place to place so I could prove to the industry I “paid my dues”. I lived out of my suitcase for WEEKS, even MONTHS at a time, stashed all my belongings at my parents, even sold off the things that kept me tied down. I worked across the US and traveled the world for three years before moving to Texas, Alaska, Los Angeles, Seattle, and Denver. Chasing these jobs wherever they needed me before finally planting roots in Illinois circa 2018.

This whole time jumping around I made countless friends all over the country and the world, some who are still great friends today, but where I excelled at connecting and making friends, I also missed a lot of important milestones for very meaningful people. While I was working, I made my job my number one priority. Since aviation is such a small industry, and your record follows you like the plague, you do everything you can to stay in line. I would try to map out my best use of time off, requesting off for some of the important events as well as my own travel plans, but work still had ultimate authority to rule…or to schedule me…as they saw fit. I was often unable to get the days off I wanted. I could still try and switch shifts, but because I didn’t want to rock the boat or call out sick, I would typically just accept my fate. Career reputation was placed above all else. Gotta pay those dues…So, I inevitably missed the weddings, reunions, and birthdays of some of the best people in my life. I became a friend and family member not many could count on. At that time, it didn’t bother me much. I was young (selfish) and getting so many Instagram “likes” from my exotic travel photos, that I prioritized my solo travel over those other important dates. Inevitably I got what was coming to me…I lost touch with people closest to me, trading them for the approval of acquaintances on Facebook and Instagram. I knew I lacked connection, and even drunkenly journaled about it almost ten years ago. That loneliness slowly festered by never giving the issue the attention it deserved.

Not too long after getting my first “big boy job” I found a love connection when I least expected it. I thought my days of loneliness were over. Our fun, lustful romance turned into a loving, committed relationship. During that time, we moved all over the US and both relied heavily on each other to keep the loneliness of being on the road at bay. We were in the same industry, so we UNDERSTOOD each other and our crazy schedules. Even though we UNDERSTOOD each other, we had trouble communicating, and relationship tension started to arise.  Because I was blissfully under the assumption that she could be my “everything”, I figured I didn’t need much from anyone else, so my connections with friends once again remained shallow. So, I kept barreling through my relationship and life, feeling detached. I kept up with some friends, always picking up where we left off, partying in whatever city I’d visit them in, but I never talked about my relationship because it just wasn’t normal for me and my guy friends. If I had discussed my relationship to my friends, it felt mean or wrong to say anything, especially if it was negative...so I didn’t. Instead, I just complained about other aspects of life, never focusing on the root problems and what to do about them. It wasn’t constructive thinking or problem solving. Inevitably the breakup happened, and I frantically searched for a crutch to fill the loneliness. I turned to my nearest friends and just about anyone I could get to listen.

I was so confused; I had no clue what was going on. I had to talk to EVERYONE about the breakup. Those poor guys I had to work with, listening to me talk on and on for hours. In between trips I continued to drone on and on with my guy friends. I was talking to so many dudes, all of which lent an ear, but didn’t give much helpful advice. They could sympathize with me, but not many had any introspection they could share. I kept spilling my guts, trying to find someone who might help me make sense of things. Luckily, I did have two guy friends that gave solid and mature responses…they were ones who had been attending therapy. During that same time frame, I had also been talking to my girl friends, both of whom had helpful insight from a woman’s perspective and experience with feelings, having been through therapy. The people who gave me the best advice were those who had gotten professional help before…an interesting correlation, perhaps?

Time went on, and I clung onto those friends who offered the helpful insights on the innerworkings of the human brain like a leachy sponge. I kept asking so much about relationships that one friend gifted me a book that was recommended to her in response to a breakup, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. While that book wasn’t specifically made for me, it brought the first glimpse into understanding human nature and relationships from a more cerebral perspective. I learned some, but wanted more, and that’s when my self-help journey was kickstarted. From there I was into some book or another frantically learning how to become “whole”. Motivational books, scientific books, philosophical books, and psychology-based books. I would try and tell all my guy friends about all this new and exciting information I was learning, but it unfortunately wasn’t catching on with them. Unsatisfied that I didn’t have the interactive discussion when talking to the guys, I turned to the girls in my life for the ongoing discussions and different perspectives. We dove headfirst into this self-help rabbit hole, and I started connecting all these dots like a three-year-old child making sense of the world around them. HOLY SHIT. It was glorious.

Now, a few years later, I still bug the shit out of my girl friends, but it’s more about taking on new life challenges rather than talking relationships. As far as my guy friends go, over the years I’ve gotten into more discussions about life among my dudes, and we even have come up with a system to better communicate the deeper topics that deserve attention when we hang out. We start off with our socio-normal “bro-down”, and then after we’ve gotten caught up, we put on the band This Will Destroy You, which is our cue to share the topics that are often difficult to share. Relationships, work struggles, money problems, bad habits, all that vulnerable stuff. The main premise is, if women can talk about this stuff freely, why can’t it be normal for men?

With both my friend outlets (girls and guys), plus the ongoing list of books I read, podcasts, documentaries, and professional help for additional guidance, I have cultivated what I consider a robust emotional support system. My family is of course part of my support system, but their role is more of a physical help standpoint, which is an important aspect as well. This system has of course changed over time; those people who align with the direction you want your life to go will stay close, while those that don’t may drift apart, and that’s OK. As these systems are built, they evolve, but must also be maintained. If I have something important, I need to talk about, I might ask a friend if they have enough mental space to listen before unleashing it on them (unlike what I did with those poor coworkers years ago), and when I know a friend has something important or hectic going on, I check up and ask how they’re doing. Reverting to being human, actually interacting and caring about these PEOPLE in my life, does wonders for maintaining my support system and helps make the community of friends I’ve missed...what a novel idea.

I learned many things from the adult chapters of my Odyssey. For one, I am already whole. I didn’t need to add things to make me complete, I just had to fix my mental outlook. I also accepted that I didn’t know everything, and I needed guidance. And two, when I lacked the diverse support system throughout the years, I struggled. Because of what I’ve gone through and learned, my goal is for men to feel supported living a mentally healthy lifestyle by normalizing talking with their friends, sharing the hard truths of life, and making it acceptable to seek professional help. You can still be a man and accept that life is hard. It’s even harder if you don’t have people you can talk to. The chance to enjoy everyday life is within all of us, you just need to figure out what might be holding you back and learn how to address it. Learn to live happily in that brain of yours, become a better form of you, and THEN GO dominate your life. The odyssey might be tough, but you’ll eventually appreciate the hard work, and so will all those around you.

Be understanding. Be aware. Be better.

***Disclaimer:

This post is not intended as professional advice, it is for entertainment purposes only. If you are seeking professional help, please consult with a doctor or therapist, as my writing is merely a personal perspective and is only meant to encourage conversation. If you are in crisis, please seek help.   Suicide hotline: 988