Embracing Imperfection

I haven’t posted in my weekly fashion because things have felt off. After my last post I started feeling very self-conscious. I know almost every person who follows me, yet still I started second guessing myself even though so many people had reached out wishing me to succeed. I thought, did I share too much? What do people think? Maybe my writing isn’t good. Who am I to tell people choosing happiness and changing their lives can be worth it…especially when my life is far from perfect.

This self-doubt spiral made me think how sad of a world it is that we’re all so scared of each other. Scared of what people think, how they’ll respond to what you’re saying, what you’re doing, and are they ACCEPTING of YOU. These parameters we set for ourselves seem to limit the decisions we make, the risks we take, and the lives we inevitably lead. All these thoughts made me think of who we look up to…all the artists, singers, musicians, actors, dancers, and writers. All these people doing the things most of us are too afraid to do.

Don’t agree? Try painting an original picture and show it to the world. Try singing an original song to a room full of strangers. Try playing an instrument in front of a bunch of scrutinizing peers. Try acting out an emotional scene in a play, or dance to your favorite song at a communal gathering. There might be some people that partake in dancing at a party or singing karaoke at a bar, but let me ask, would you do that without the crutch of drugs or alcohol? I think we look up to these people because we don’t do these things, and those that do are almost on another level. We idolize the courageous, and brave, while being cowards ourselves.

This deeper dive into my thought process reminded me about a recent trip to the thrift store. I was sifting through a local thrift store in search of a storage bin when I happened to come across a specialized speaker that is used to play guitar through a computer. I had been thinking about getting a special speaker like this for a while, since my current set up sounded like garbage. Something like this would inspire me to play by increasing the sound quality and clarity from a muddled mess to something enjoyable. Having stumbled across it at random, it couldn’t be a coincidence, the universe had to be looking out for me. I had been in a slump for a couple days, and playing guitar along with my favorite songs always seems to bring me joy, but lately I hadn’t felt the drive to play. This speaker had to be a sign. It took me only a minute or so, before ultimately deciding to buy it.

I brought it home, plugged it in, and boy, oh boy, was it was LOUD. It sounded so clean and crisp until it started to crackle and pop past 50% volume. I quickly dialed it down and started to play which gave me that invigorating sense of energy that helped me get out of the stubborn slump. I was listening, strumming, playing along, reading the music, and ENGAGING myself, rather than doom scrolling my phone. After a while, as I was messing around with the volume to diagnose the speaker problem, when I started to feel a sense of discomfort. I sensed the noise traveling through the thinly constructed RV walls quite easily, even at a normal volume. I thought this may be fine now, but what happens when I am at a location where my neighbors are closer, people are outside, and they hear me making all my mistakes while practicing? I couldn’t have that! I would need to be BETTER before being heard. I needed to be perfect for others to hear me play, like I couldn’t use the speaker to practice guitar, or else it would showcase all my imperfections.

It wasn’t until later when talking to my friend Sydney that I realized just how much the thoughts/ideas/criticisms of others affect my life. It wasn’t just my guitar, but so many other aspects. It was my writing, this new journey I’m on, and even my Instagram posts, all are driven by the judgement of OTHERS. I thought I’d gotten past the point of caring what people thought, but I was wrong. The truth is there are still many instances where I’m SCARED what people think. I might not care what I look like in public, or care about certain perceptions, but those occurrences aren’t close to the terror of being vulnerable. It takes a lot more courage to SHARE and create authentically with the world, than it does to follow.

So what happened with the speaker? Well, I eventually returned it since it was indeed broken. Instead of going to the store to buy a new replacement speaker, I got a pair of headphones in its place. This ending may not be as big of a punk rock “F-YOU” as you thought, but it’s a work in progress, and not all lessons learned go from 0-100 overnight. I’ve addressed my shortcomings and fears of being vulnerable and I’m working on allowing myself to be a beginner, to share my posts, and to not be perfect at something right off the bat. Maybe that’s the problem with growth, people always think as soon as you identify something’s the matter, you can flip a switch and fix it, when in fact it takes time and hard work. Since then, I’ve been consistently showing up for myself, practicing my guitar, and allowing myself to make those mistakes where before I’d hang the guitar up for months frustrated at my progress. Since giving myself the compassion and allowing myself the grace, I’m at a point where my skills have finally progressed past the point where I was stuck at for years. My guitar situation is just a simple example, but if you think about all other aspects in your life, how much joy are you limiting based on others’ perceptions? Is it fair to limit yourself joy because of others? Do you want to live a life that way?

It’s my hope that one day we can all follow the fun, curious, energy we once had as kids and carry that with us as adults. To encourage the pursuit of trying, and creating, instead of contently following. To build a more supportive community that allows us ALL the freedom to do those things that scare us without feeling shame. It costs us nothing to be supportive of friends, family, and strangers…yet fear, judgement, and criticism can rob people of joy. To be honest, every time I post, it’s still terrifying. I have to take a step back, acknowledge that fear, and follow through because I believe it’s for the best. Maybe by leading as an example, showcasing my imperfections and progress, that my words will help someone to become better. Maybe it’ll encourage someone to live the life they’ve dreamed of, take the tap dance lessons they wanted, start the business they dreamed of, or it’s just a way for me to work through my own fears. Whatever the outcome, it can be all be worth it, worth the terror of it all, if we all learned to live life more courageously.