Ebb and Flow
One of the biggest challenges I face these days is understanding this ebb and flow of my emotions. There might be the slightest of an interaction that triggers an emotion or state of mind that can cause me a multi-day spiral or “funk”. These annoying funks are something I’ve grown accustomed to over the years, but recently I’ve been taking steps to recognize these happenings, and I’m actively working to better control them. The only way I know how to assess and gain better understanding is to get scientific; grab a clipboard, a long white coat, get nerdy, and treat it as a cause-and-effect experiment.
For as long as I can remember, my emotions were solely a reaction. I’d be in a situation, end up triggered and upset, and when someone would ask what the matter was, I’d have no clue WHAT the reason was, or WHY. All I knew was the emotion I was feeling, which only included the generic happy, sad, fear, or anger. Without the basic level of understanding why, I’d let this inability to express my needs fester until it created resentment or a deep-seated sense of unhappiness. Essentially, I was in the passenger seat of an out-of-control car while my ego was at the wheel. This happened for 32 years of my life before CHOOSING to work on my shit. Besides having spent the last two years diving into bettering myself, it wasn’t until now that it all clicked and I learned just how diverse our range of emotions are, both positive and negative. For example, feeling “happy” might be a sense of excitement before attending a fun event, or feeling “angry” might actually be a sense of frustration when something isn’t going as planned.
This idea sounds pretty elementary, but as men, when were you taught to dive into how you feel? Exactly. On average, we’re encouraged to dodge our emotions or keep them buried deep down so they never see the light of day. As I learn more about the dynamics of our human nature, I realize the depth of the negative feeling spectrum. My awareness of these feelings has grown to include: shame, frustration, confusion, blame, anxiety, self-hate, overwhelm, boredom, deprivation, misery and insecurity. Each of these, as terrible as they are, have an equally plain and simple resolution to help pull you out of their respective slumps. Now, it may not be an emotionally easy fix, but once dialed into which emotion(s) are causing trouble, then the answer to what needs to be work on is much simpler.
As I write and review this, it sounds like I’m this know it all and I have myself so figured out, but that’s complete bullshit. I’m braving this storm in the sea of shit (so to speak) just like everyone else, and it takes time and practice to get things right. Take for instance this past weekend when I was triggered into a two-day slump before realizing the “WHY” to my mental state. To give this a bit more context, over eight months ago I left my career as an airline pilot in order to pursue a better, more fulfilling, and healthy lifestyle (physically, mentally, and emotionally). When I left my job, I walked away from over almost 20 years of flying to work on myself. For me to do this took a great amount of courage, which I keep assuring myself it was for the best. It wasn’t just leaving a job that no longer served the direction I wanted my life to go, it was leaving the thing that let me experience the majesty of flight which I love very much. Since quitting, it has been hard to take part in aviation, since it’s an extremely cost prohibitive hobby. I feel as though I’m straddling between two worlds. One world that lives with my healthy mind, body, and spirit, and the other that only fulfills my love for the sky while providing a good paycheck. It was at a local fly in, pancake breakfast, that I experienced a split-second ping of sadness that pushed me into the two-day funk…
On Saturday I arrived at the local airport in Moyie Springs, Idaho for an EAA (Experimental Aircraft Association) sponsored pancake breakfast. For those who are unfamiliar, this is a way for the local EAA Chapter to raise money for young, future aviators who are working on their flight training, as well as encourage community involvement within aviation. I was nervous to attend the event as I’ve always felt weird being around other pilots. These peers share a common interest, but sometimes my basic love for the freedom and art of flight doesn’t match up to their infatuation with certain, tangible, aspects of aviation like aircraft recognition or history. The feeling of being “sized up” never sat well with me, nevertheless I was ready to help donate to a good cause and get a heck of a huckleberry pancake in return. After getting my fill of food, and meeting some friendly, non-flying locals, I decided to grab my coffee and make my way to the tarmac so I could geek out over some airplanes.
It was a beautiful summers day, barely a cloud in the sky, as I walked across the asphalt tarmac. A line of various private aircraft filled the spots that underline a mountainous backdrop. As I was slowly approaching the multi aircraft line up, a beautiful Piper Super Cub had fired up his engine and was taxiing out of its space, headed for the runway. Knowing I was in the way, I awkwardly stopped myself, before walking backwards to give way to the aircraft passing from right to left. As the plane passed, the pilot, who was an older man with longer white hair, waved to me as a way of thanks. I waved back, thinking to myself, maybe there is some way that he subconsciously knew I was a pilot as well, sharing an innate sense of comradery, but who knows. I continued my walk behind the aircraft which was now 20 feet away and gaining distance. It was at this point the gust of wind from the propeller engulfed me with the almost ‘sweet’ smell of 100LL exhaust. While some may think exhaust gas would be an annoyance, this scent mentally transported me to my earliest and fondest memories of flying starting back at the age of 12. In that moment I was both extremely happy, yet undeniably sad. Such a strange mix of emotions in a brief instance.
Since I was in public, I wasn’t able sort through my range of emotions at that time. Instead, I swept them under the rug as I have done so often in the past. After leaving, I told one of my best friends, who is also a pilot, about that brief second of missing flying, but I never dug deep into “WHY”. Later I brought up the topic to my good friend Sydney, where we dove a bit deeper into the general feelings that came up. Even though I talked more about it, I never actually reflected on what I had going on deep down. By never revisiting the subject and coming up with a game plan on how address those feelings, I spent the rest of the weekend in a deep funk… doom scrolling YouTube, lazy dinner meals, not showering, and lots of time being unproductive. I knew something wasn’t right, but I didn’t even think about trying to do something about it.
It wasn’t until that Monday my body woke me up at 4:00am and wouldn’t let me go back to sleep. It was if my mind said, “enough of your shit! Snap out of it!” I woke up, did my morning routine and cracked open my journal for the first time in weeks. I reflected for 10-15 min and in that brief time, I got my closure. I concluded that although the fly in made me happy remembering all the fun and excitement of flying, but it also made me sad since that life feels lost and that I’m almost grieving it. Something so influential in my life felt so distant, literally and figuratively. There it was. Finally. Even though I felt this way, now I can either grieve it as I need, or I can brainstorm ways to get my fix of aviation in a more complete sense.
From all this I learned I need to take the time to prioritize reflection so I can mitigate these long-lasting funks from happening. I’ve always put off facing these situations because it was too much work, but by avoiding the work, I’ve instead wasted too much of my precious time. I realize that I’m only human, and that it takes time to turn these practices into habits, but I am trying and that’s better than the alternative of doing nothing.
We all have a chance to do better, to react to our environment in more constructive ways. It takes courage, understanding, and compassion to sort through the shit in life, but ultimately, I believe everyone could benefit from being honest, especially with themselves. Be understanding, be aware, be better.
***Disclaimer:
This post is not intended as professional advice, it is for entertainment purposes only. If you are seeking professional help, please consult with a doctor or therapist, as my writing is merely a personal perspective and is only meant to encourage conversation. If you are in crisis, please seek help. Suicide hotline: 988
