My Existential Odyssey
My name is Ethan and I am a nobody. I am not a doctor, a therapist, a guru, a writer, or an influencer, nothing like that. I am a man who felt lost and I found some hope through self reflection. I have led a life that some would call privileged and extraordinary, yet I had always felt hollow. I would compare myself to everyone and wonder, “when will I have my shit together?”, “When will I be an adult?”. From the outside, all the “adults” I knew growing up seemed so much more prolific, like their lives fell perfectly into place, that everything made sense and they cracked the code on life. Yet here I am just floating through, continuously WAITING for my life to arrive, waiting to feel satisfied and happy.
Throughout my life I did everything that was expected of me, yet nothing was making any sense. I had a great career, I had a beautiful home, I put money into the stock market, and saved via a 401k…I was in my 30s and yet I still couldn’t seem to find this happiness. Everyone around me seemed to be feeling the same way, even though they “had their shit together”. When I talked to others about life and the pursuit of this ideal happiness, everyone responded “that’s not realistic”. Work was supposed to be work, life is always supposed to be complicated, and happiness is only during your two weeks vacation. I felt so frustrated and alone since I knew this couldn’t be how life is supposed to be. I knew “life” was out there based on my previous experiences, before settling down and “growing up”.
Over the course of my 20’s I spent vast amounts of time traveling. Four months in Australia, six months in New Zealand, two months in Germany, two months in Argentina, almost two months in Nepal, followed by 19 other countries and all seven continents. I traveled to follow these brief glimpses of happiness I’d encounter on each trip. Some of that happiness internal, and some of that happiness through the “likes” and “comments” of my photos on Facebook or Instagram. I knew I harbored the deep connection I had to this world, since I had been moved to tears watching the sunrise on the Himalayas, and felt the true weight of solitude looking out at the vast, dark sea during a moonlit night in Antarctica. I KNEW these deeper, more meaningful feelings existed, yet why couldn’t I feel them in my day to day life? Why do I only experience the worst feelings, i.e stress, anxiety, shame, sadness, anger, hurt, on a regular basis? It was when I was at my absolute bottom in life, where I would make the discovery that finally gave me that glimmer of hope.
It was only about two years ago that I started a journey of introspection from a book that was gifted to me by a friend. This book was the first self-help book I had read that took the feelings I had, and gave them a valid answer to the question of “Why do I feel this?”. It was almost as though a psychic wrote the book about me, since I didn’t understand how someone could know what I'm feeling if they didn’t know me. That is when I realized that the nature of being human, although confusing and complex, can be better understood through a combination of science and self reflection. The next couple self help books were like an explosion of revelations, the most important take away being I am the change. I can stay in my rut or I can CHOOSE to do things that better myself. I can be unhappy, unfulfilled, or closed-off, or I can CHOOSE to change. These ideas have since charted the course of my life; eliminating what is not beneficial, and adding what nurtures me. This basic act of re-evaluating aspects of my self and my environment help me become a better human every day, and I encourage others to do the same. Pulling myself from the status quo and starting to become self aware, has been the most significant and life changing decision I have made. There is no end to this journey, and it will always have tough times mixed with moments of doubt; but those times get easier, and those moments decrease as you learn more about who you are. Like I said earlier, I am no guru, and I am by no means a perfect human. In the big picture, my journey has just begun, but its when I see the world around me and how much unrecognized internal struggle exists, I hope to help in any way I can.
I am not here to sell you a religion, a “How To” coaching strategy, or a guaranteed step by step program. I am here to share my ongoing journey as a way to offer a change of mindset, and a sense of support, in hopes that you will also want to lead a more present and aware lifestyle. I want people to ARRIVE into their lives, not just show up. I want them to understand what is going on within themselves and to make a conscious change to be the best they can be. I wholeheartedly believe that once someone can start to understand themselves, they can become their own best version, which in turn radiates to those around them; to other friends, family, children, spouses, even neighbors.
In a world that is rife with doom and gloom, polarization, and hate, be the positive change you want in the world and take charge in your life, don’t just let it “happen” to you. There is nothing WEAK about introspection, many of the most brilliant minds in history left journals of reflection, now it’s time you did too. I wasted too much of my life with sighs of “we will see”, and “I don’t know”, and what I’ve learned is no one is going to come give you the things that are missing within yourself. Take charge and BE your change. Start the work on yourself, It’s time to start your EXISTENTIAL ODYSSEY.
